


sweetheart, you look a little tired

by chikage (katarasvevo)



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M, I wanna give lara jean a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 01:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15985121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katarasvevo/pseuds/chikage
Summary: Lara Jean has never been anyone’s first choice - until one day she is.





	sweetheart, you look a little tired

**Author's Note:**

> *looks at forgotten uni homework* weLL OOPS

Lara Jean is ten when she has her first crush, and it’s on Josh, the boy next door. Josh, with the chocolate-brown eyes, and the goofy smile, and the quick remarks. And it’s easy, falling for him - so, so easy. Not only are they neighbours, but also close friends, friends who have known each other since they were little. Friends who share the same interests, the same mannerisms, everything.

It’s an obvious story. Girl meets neighbour, makes a friend, falls in love. A tale she once dismissed on the basis it was unlikely to happen, but now accepts because it is finally happening. To her, Lara Jean, the hopeless romantic, the dreamer.

She isn’t love with Josh until one day she is, the fact resounding with surety in her chest, in her veins. It is true love, because her heart can’t help but ache whenever she is around Josh. It is true love, because the world always seems to slow down, brighten up a little whenever he is there around her presence. Speaking to her, looking at her, laughing with her, _holding_ her.

It is quick to become a treasured past time: the two of them playing around in her backyard in a world of their own creation, kings and queens of a story exclusive to them. Lara Jean and Josh, Josh and Lara Jean. Once upon a time. Happily ever after.

They tell you that first love is almost always fleeting and ephemeral. That as quick it is to bloom, it is even quicker to burn out and hurt, but she doesn’t realize how much of it can truly sting until it happens, Josh confessing that he likes someone.

Someone that isn’t her.

“Really?” Lara Jean says, putting on a smile even if it feels like broken glass on her face. Sharp, wrong.

“Yeah,” Josh says breathlessly, smiling back, and Lara Jean can only swallow down the hurt in her throat when his gaze flickers to Margot looking all pretty in a blue dress, waving at them from the porch.

“Okay,” is the only word she can say.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

The easy part is the agreement. The hard part is the waiting.

And now that Lara Jean’s been here for thirty minutes, she’s pretty sure she’s been stood up. Unintentionally, of course; from what she knows of Kenny, it would be unlike him to just not go ahead without warning.

Naivety, a voice in her mind whispers. Silly Lara Jean, always out there thinking the best about people even at their worst.

Silly, indeed, she finds out later on, when Kenny rushes up to her, apologizing for having “forgotten”, for choosing to play Capture the Flag with his friends at the field instead.

“Sorry about that,” Kenny says, brushing a hand over the back of his neck, not sounding very apologetic. “Kinda slipped my mind. I hope we’re still cool, though.”

Huh. _Cool._

Stupid of her for thinking she isn’t anything more than a second choice. “Yeah. Cool,” Lara Jean says, even though she doesn’t mean it, not really.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

The next time there’s a boy, the story repeats itself all over again, and this time, it’s Gen who is in the picture.

It begins like this: the two of them hanging out at the mall with their other friends, laughing and talking and doing what people do at these sorts of events. It’s fun, even if Lara Jean isn’t one to talk. It’s fun, even when she feels a bit left out, unable to relate much to what Gen is saying.

But that’s the way it’s always been. Gen, being the outgoing one, and Lara Jean, the complete opposite.

She doesn’t know what she expected.

So she’s sitting on one of the benches, watching Gen disappear into a store to browse around for shirts she really likes, when suddenly there’s a tall, handsome boy settling onto the seat opposite her. Brown skin, golden eyes, brown hair. With a casual grin dripping on his mouth, and a face lined with mischief.

“Hi,” the boy introduces himself, his words coming out with a boyish sort of grace that has Lara Jean blinking, shy.

“Hey,” she returns meekly, and his grin grows wider, and just like that they fall into an easy, natural conversation.

Twenty minutes in, and Lara Jean is already learning how funny he is. How smooth, how charming. And then she’s thinking that she likes him already, that maybe just maybe they could be good friends, when Gen walks out of the store, and the boy chooses this moment to tap Lara Jean on the arm.

“Lara Jean, could you uh introduce me to the girl over there? Your friend, right? Because like, she’s been intimidating me for hours,” the boy says, his attention clearly transfixed elsewhere - on Gen, naturally, because who else could it be?

Pretty, gorgeous Gen with the burnt-caramel eyes and full pout and teasing laugh.

The warmth inside Lara Jean’s chest evaporates, leaving a type of coldness that you get when you emerge out of a pool on a chilly day. A biting one.

The light in her eyes fades. But her smile remains - or at least the ghost of one, a feeble apparition - as she nods and tamps down hard on her disappointment.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

It isn’t Chris’s fault. No, Lara Jean doesn’t blame her; in fact, she should’ve seen it coming.

So they’re at a party. Things are going great. The food is good. The music has a sick beat. The people seem happy enough - all bright-eyed and loose-lipped - and the sky outside is the colour of a lit flame softened with dabs of pink. There are lights everywhere, like glass-enclosed fireflies bobbing on strings, and for the first time ever Lara Jean isn’t really thinking of going home.

So Lara Jean is sitting all alone, watching Chris mingle with the crowd, until someone comes over to talk to her. This part isn’t new. She’s gone through this many times before. And then he’s asking Lara Jean about a certain friend of hers, if Lara Jean would maybe talk to her for him, and at this point she’s mostly resigned herself to the idea that this is all she’s going to be.

The passer of information, the giver of numbers, second best, the go-to if the first option isn’t available.

Of course, Lara Jean pretends to smile.

Of course, Lara Jean says okay.

And then he’s leaving, going, gone, and it occurs to Lara Jean that he didn’t even ask for her name.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

A day comes when she crosses paths with Peter Kavinsky again, and she thinks it is a joke, Peter Kavinsky wanting to go out with her for real after their fake-dating charade nearly runs its course.

This point in the game, Lara Jean is tired of being passed over. She knows that most people only want to talk to her when she has something they want. A connection to someone they like. Homework help. And it’s tiring, because she hates this, being used like she doesn’t have feelings, like she doesn’t have any expectations.

Lara Jean has to set a boundary somewhere. And that line is here.

So she looks up at Peter Kavinsky’s face when he finds her before class. Meets his eyes, unyielding and determined. Then, says as calmly, as quietly as possible, “I’m not a joke, Peter. You don’t get to do this.”

Funny. She should’ve started saying those words a long time ago.

There’s a confused furrow in Peter’s forehead. A surprised tilt to his mouth. Maybe from Lara Jean having seen through the act immediately, Lara Jean isn’t sure. But at least she said it, so now Peter knows not to pin his hopes on her.

“Covey, wait -” Peter says, as though he’s scrambling for an explanation, but Lara Jean just shakes her head, hurrying away to her next class.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

The strange thing is, Peter is persistent. Lara Jean may have told him to expect nothing from her, but it hasn’t stopped him from seeking her out whenever possible. In the spaces between class times. Before and after school. And it confuses Lara Jean, Peter sneaking glances at her when he thinks she is not looking, because she’s never been the recipient of this.

Little gestures so easily misconstrued for a meaning greater than their actual one. Pitfalls she’s worked so hard to avoid and isn’t about to fall into blindly, stupidly.

That Lara Jean of the past, eager and easily swayed, would’ve done that. But that Lara Jean exists no longer.

 

｡･:*:･✧ﾟ

 

She can’t avoid Kavinsky forever. So she actually meets up with him, against her better wishes, in a place no one would think to bother.

Here, the view of the sky is infinite, interminable. Made up of blue, pink, lavender, and yellow. Plus every shade in between. There are trees all around in the distance, clusters of emerald, and the light filtering in turns the dust motes into liquid gold.

It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, removed from the gym-sock-and-sweat stench of school.

Peter is already there by the time she arrives, sitting on the bench. His head is lowered, his hands are clasped, and when he looks up at her - really looks at her - the first thing he says is, “Covey, you’ve never been a joke to me.”

That’s what it takes to get her to sit down and have a real conversation with Peter. Eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart. No pretences, no lies.

“Peter, the whole point of this was to get Gen back,” Lara Jean says, wondering why she had been stupid enough to go with the plan, knowing it would only end in heartbreak. “Wasn’t it?”

“I said it was, but I didn’t mean it. What I really wanted was to be close to you,” Peter says, and his eyes, they’re serious. More serious than they’ve ever been. Completely devoid of the easygoing Kavinsky twinkle that typically precedes a chuckle or a quip.

Now, Lara Jean is danger of maybe crying because she didn’t expect it to go this way. Peter claiming that he meant what he said. Peter picking her, choosing her.

“Are you sure?” Lara Jean whispers harshly. “Because I’m done, Peter. I’m tired. It’s like I’ve always been second best in my life, you know, someone people pick for the meantime when the one they really want isn’t available yet. They always end up leaving in the end …” Lara Jean trails off, then goes quiet.

Her hands are shaking in her lap. She’s refusing to meet Peter’s gaze. She feels cold all over.

And then, there’s a hand on her shoulder. A reassuring squeeze. “Lara Jean, can I please give you a hug?” he murmurs quietly, and after a beat of silence - or maybe two - she lets him, lets herself fall into his arms.

It is silent for a moment. And then, Peter whispers, “I’ll always choose you, Lara Jean. If we had to do this again and again, I’d pick you first. A thousand times over.”

Lara Jean’s breathing halts, and she finds herself believing him. “Do you really mean that?” she says.

“You don’t have to be tired anymore, Lara Jean,” Peter says, holding her close to his heart, and Lara Jean hugs him back.

  



End file.
